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November 30th, 2024 (Saturday)

Season four of Disventure Camp is here. This is my live reaction to the first episode. Let's fucking go.

(Green, italic text in brackets means I wrote it on December 1st, 2024)
  • Trevor, there is NOTHING safe about carnivals. Incidents regularly get swept under the rug because nobody gives a fuck. I'd make a joke about Action Park, but Derek and Trevor would love that place and probably embrace the injuries they suffered. (Fun fact: only seven percent of travelling carnivals presently report incident data as of 2016)
  • Has the fire animation always been this smooth?
  • Haha, yaoi.
(Below is from the intro)
  • It's kinda weird having two unrelated characters (Amelie and Emily) with similar names.
  • Why does Alessio have such a prominent ass? I know he's got SOME muscle since art supplies can be really heavy but still.
  • Can my cat please stop trying to walk on my keyboard? My HP laptop that's holding on for dear life cannot handle all ten pounds of him and his cheetah claws.
  • Please have a rivalry between Amelie and Hannah. Imagine being a successful 36-year-old businesswoman and beefing with a teenager.
  • Why are Lynda and Ted making those faces? They look silly as hell.
(Below is from the rest of the episode)
  • *close up shots of two women's chests*
  • "I've been a professional poker player for twenty years" You said ten years in your audition tape, Ted. What's the truth?
  • My cat is back.
  • "No one should trust me, but they always do" Ted is a YouTuber.
  • "Hollywood doesn't turn you evil" Correct, Ivy. Disventure Camp does that instead.
  • Can my cat please give me personal space? He's in the way of my keyboard. Now he's doing those airplane ears.
  • Why are all the older contestants on the same team? This feels very uneven.
  • My cat is digging his nails into me.
  • Is that snail radioactive? Or is it Sonic the Hedgehog curry flavoured?
  • Oh my god Alessio. Why did you do that. That is NOT staying under the radar.
  • Richard fucking dies. He's going to Heaven alongside that snail.
  • CAT. STOP.
  • "I'm just imitating my dad" I feel like I can make a joke with this line, I'll come back to it in a bit.
  • Oh shit, we're getting our yuri crumbs.
  • "Whenever someone tells me not to do something, it means they're usually keeping it for themselves" Ted is a registered sex offender.
  • Ass shot.
  • Not sure why I wasn't expecting Lynda's family to be this aggressively Caucasian, but whatever.
  • I hope Alessio's not a father because his hypothetical children would be a little fucked in the head.
  • Amelie, you're almost old enough to be Hannah's mother. Settle down.
  • Why's there so much fog at Stawaki Carnival? Are the interns trying to hotbox the fairgrounds?
  • Benji walked right into that.
  • Spencer fucking dies.
  • Whenever I learn that somebody's from the UK, all I can think of is this:
  • Fuck I accidentally opened Microsoft Edge.
  • I wish I had the overconfidence of a teenager who openly identifies as non-binary. I'm in my twenties and slightly panic whenever someone (especially family members) asks about my sexuality or gender identity because I'm terrified of being rejected or ostracized.
  • So Ivy's like Connor where they both inherited their success from their parents?
  • My cat is back. His big head is obscuring my laptop screen.
  • I just realized Amelie's the oldest member of her team.
  • "Instant choice everytime I get married" Was Larry King using Amelie's company?
  • Why is Benji still alive.
  • Damn bitch, you live like this?
  • I take back what I said earlier, Derek would NOT love Action Park.
  • Disventure Camp honours its Total Drama ancestry by having Diego vomit on another contestant.
  • How did nobody get severe whiplash when that ride ended?
  • GET FUCKED SPENCER <3
  • Tristan and Amelie are going to sleep with full faces of makeup?
  • "We are the vibe tribe" Stop.
  • Do you think Isabel went down the "trying to debunk Catholicism to converted catholic" pipeline?
  • "She's our mother Theresa" Wasn't Mother Theresa kinda fucked up though? (I'm not fact checking this, I don't have the energy)
  • I'm guessing the "major decision" is swapping a team member.

December 10th, 2024 (Tuesday)

I'm tired and my back hurts because my cat sometimes makes me sleep in uncomfortable positions. Anyways, here's my live reaction to episode two. The elimination got spoiled for me a couple days ago but that's how life is sometimes. Here we go again.

(Green, italic text in brackets means I wrote it a couple hours later)
  • Did Derek get a new voice actor? He sounds different.
  • The audio sounds slightly compressed.
  • "Pop out the champagne" You're the only contestant not old enough to drink, Tristan. (I'm assuming Stawaki Carnival is in Ontario, where the legal drinking age is nineteen)
  • "I can't be the only one who thinks it's a little weird that this elaborate twist was over a damn flint. Jade's not telling us something" Heartbreaking: The Worst Person You Know Just Made A Great Point. (Yes, I'm making that joke a second time)
  • "Now, enjoy the silence" Okay, Depeche Mode.
  • Benji screaming over a bug reminded me of that video where the Grinch tries yoga (volume warning).
  • Trust nobody, not even Spencer.
  • [Joke redacted because it's depressing]
  • I thought that was a dog whimpering but it was Hannah cleaning a cup aklgjahflkaghd
  • "It's a rat!" Me looking at Jerma. (Another joke I'm reusing)
  • Historically speaking, girls alliances do NOT perform well on this show.
  • Sometimes I wish I could destroy my iPad the same way Alessio destroyed that painting.
  • [Joke redacted because it wasn't funny. None of my jokes are funny but this one was particularly bad]
  • Jokes aside, Alessio being desperate to find inspiration before he completely loses interest in painting is extremely relatable.
  • My cat's paw keeps getting WAY too close to my laptop's power button and it stresses me out.

My review of some (but not all) of the contestants' swimwear:

  • Amelie: Rocking the sideboob and embracing her French heritage with the Madeline hat. 10/10.
  • Alessio: Resembles a moderately depressed uncle who disappeared under mysterious circumstances in 1987 during a trip to Portugal. 6.5/10.
  • Isabel: [Joke redacted because it's in VERY poor taste]. 9/10 because I think it's slightly useless for a swimsuit to have pockets.
  • Ivy: Normal swimsuit but I don't get the bucket hat. 7.5/10.
  • Lynda: Can't see the appeal. 2/10.
  • Tristan: Idk what's going on with their shorts and I'm not feeling the napkin bib top. 4/10.
  • Zaid: HE WOULDN'T HAVE A FUCKING SIX PACK. He works in a kitchen, he lives exclusively off cigarettes, energy drinks, and cocaine. 0/10.
(Back to the episode)
  • I thought Natalia's tattoos were a long sleeved shirt and leggings. Whoops.
  • "Beat her to a pulp, Hannah!" Me whenever I watched Hannah Montana episodes with Mikayla in them.
  • Why's everyone looking at Amelie like she just shouted a slur? That was the nicest thing she's said so far.
  • My cat moved. The risk of him turning off my laptop is gone now.
  • Tristan shakes like a small dog.
  • Did Tristan just break their back?
  • Richard's Canadian accent briefly slipped through.
  • VANCOUVER MENTION!!! LET'S FUCKING GO!!! DON'T GO TO EAST HASTINGS RICHARD!!!
  • "wur yoo reezed in a burn?"
  • "Should I have taken my glasses off for this?" Yes. Coming from someone who'll probably be legally blind in ten years (assuming I live that long), I'd rather lose the first challenge because I didn't wear my glasses than win while wearing them and spend the rest of the game nearly blind because they got broken.
  • Benji fucking dies again.
  • I love how mismatched some of these fights are. Putting Tristan and Amelie up against Richard and Ted is SO unfair lmao.
  • Ted discovered a new fetish last episode. (He told Diego to vomit on Marissa WAY too enthusiastically)
  • Marissa's feet are gonna be covered in splinters by the time this challenge ends.
  • I like how Diego's family members are just slight variations of him, gargantuan chest and everything.
  • Stawaki Carnival looks really pretty at night.
  • That was incredibly sus, Ted.
  • This meme goes out to the inevitable Lynda x Ted fans:
  • I thought my cat returned but he didn't :(
  • WHY WAS LYNDA'S WHISPERING SO COHERENT WHILE ISABEL'S WAS LITERAL FUCKING GIBBERISH ADFLJFADHLAHDKLJFGJKAHLK
  • Richard ended misogyny.
  • I hope the ghost of that radioactive snail is somewhere across the rainbow bridge, feeling avenged over Alessio's elimination.
  • Goodbye to Alessio, his shoes that remained perfectly white after he stomped out that snail, and his dumptruck ass.
  • Oh shit, they got the Dock Of Shame™.
  • "I don't understand this lady" me watching [Name redacted].
  • "Lynda's stay here will be short, and we'll make sure of it" Famous last words.
  • Why is "Slapping Therapy Leaves 2 People Dead" and a free Adam Sandler movie in my recommended videos?